Masturbation Nation

Since this is an entirely anonymous blog, I can share with you another one of my projects to help me achieve 'Sexy' in 2008.

I'm giving up masturbating.

Now you might ask why a happily married chap like me needs to masturbate anyway?

Well, the truth is that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and given that my wife is currently pregnant and in the midst of horrible morning sickness, the last thing she feels like doing is getting kinky with her horny hubby.

So I will admit, I occasionally 'take care' of business myself.

Except it's not really 'occasionally.'

I'm actually surprisingly horny. A lot. So 'occasionally' generally means once in the morning and once in the evening. Which is a lot, really. I mean, it was three times yesterday.

Now, there's long been a theory that masturbation is the number one reason for men's 'lack of sexy.' How does that make sense? Well, let me explain...

The prevelence on online porn means that man doesn't need to make any effort to get his kicks in this day and age. Instead of a single guy going out to a bar to get his sexual thrills, all he needs to do is switch on his computer and wham! Up spring a million sites offering every sexual thrill on a smorgusboard of porn.

Blonds. Brunettes. Fat girls. Thin girls. Midgets. White girls with black guys. Black girls with white guys. Chicks with 'dicks' and gangbangs, creampies, bukkake and the works.

Whatever sexual perversion you could possibly imagine, it's offered to you on the internet.

Which kind of takes the 'thrill' of it away.

Men are meant to be like predators - except with the easy availability of every shade of pornography, we've ended up like caged tigers. Why go out and hunt wildebeast when you can have freshly slaughtered venison served up hot and steaming without having to leave the comfort of your bed?

It turns a tiger into a kitty cat, sure as any collar could.

You see, I think one of the most important aspects of being perceived as 'sexy' is that slightly predatory instinct. It's not something a man should ever act on inappropriately - for example, I'm married and have no desire to go out 'hunting' any woman apart from my wife...

But just as when you go to the zoo, you expect to see a fierce looking tiger, a red-blooded, heterosexual man should still have a bit of hunger left inside him. Not so that he'll ever 'use it,' but it should still be there.

I mean, surely one of the most fundemental aspects of 'being sexy' is meeting a member of the opposite sex and making it clear that - even if it will never happen - hypothetically the two of you could tear each other's clothes off and go at it like a couple of horny animals.

A man who is without desire is effectively neutured... And that's pretty much what internet porn has done to a generation of men.

If your sexual desires are always sated, where's the 'need?' The 'lust?' The burning horniness that identifies you as a man?

I mean, it's got to the stage (I'm ashamed to admit) where it's less trouble to flick on an internet porno of some pretty blond girl getting debased by a tribe of African plainsman than it is to go next door and nuzzle with my receptive wife.

And that's got to stop.

So it's out with the porn. From now on, I'm going to send myself back to the sexual dark ages, where a man had to go out and hunt, catch and devour his own sexual prey.

In this instance, my 'prey' is my wife. But seducing a real, live woman is still more likely to make me 'sexy' than gorging like a fat-cat on the tinned flesh available online.

Buzzed...

Day one of my caffeine diet and I have to admit, I'm a bit more buzzed than I expected. I came into work with my hands trembling and my stomach gurgling...

It's a bit unfortunate that I start my metabolism-hike on the same day I try and shed half my ingested calories...

So I'm not quite sure how safe or wise my caffeine-pill diet is, but I'll tell you one thing... I can certainly FEEL it working!

What's the score?

Since it's Day 1, I'd better get the cards on the table.

I weight myself this morning at 189lbs.

I feel TOTALLY unsexy.

Here's hoping Operation Sexy 2008 kicks off fast and keeps running!

Show me the supplements!

I'll be honest with you.

I am not very good at willpower or denial or any of that rubbish. In my effort to lose 20lbs as rapidly as possible, I want there to be as little EFFORT involved as possible.

This is one of the reasons why I think some kind of 'lifestyle change' is important - like going to karate practice every Tuesday night instead of sitting at home watching TV and shovelling popcorn into my mouth.

But in addition to actually 'doing something about it' I would like to get closer to my 'sexy ideal' without actually having to do ANYTHING ABOUT IT ALL.

And thank God we're in America, where you can do that (if you have enough money.)

So first off, in my 2008 'Operation Sexy' regime is to start taking pills. Supplements to help me lose weight and 'get sexy.'

This is America, guys. The answer to all your medical issues lies in a packet of pills.

In actual fact, let's not get so cynical. I have gone to the Pharmacist with twenty dollars and picked up what look like credible (although possibly negligible) supplements to help me 'get sexy' in 2008.

The first is St. John's Wort.

Hypericum perforatum, which is Latin name for this European flower, is prescribed as a natural remedy for depression. The Cochrane Review suggested that this simple herb, available from most drug stores, can actually be as effective in treating depression as some prescription-only medications.

That's not why I'm taking it, however. One of the other side-effects of taking St John's Wort is the curbing of certain addictive tendencies - in my case, that would be food and alcohol consumption. One of the active ingredients in St John's Wort, hyperforin, is clinically proven to reduce alcohol intake.

Now this is great - not because I'm an alcoholic, but because I do enjoy a good drink now and again and that's where a large proportion of my daily calories come from.

So hopefully a daily regimen of St John's Wort will help me desire beer and wine less (which will help me slim down even more!)

Second on my list is Zinc.

Zinc is a pretty modest little element, but it's necessary for sustaining all life on earth. It's been clinically proven that an increase in Zinc consumption can help steer off the symptoms of flu and help strength your immune system. Also, it sounds cool.

Third, I have the randy sounding Horny Goat Weed.

Actually called Epimedium grandiflorum, Horny Goat weed has a reputation as 'nature's aphrodisiac.' And with good reason. Aside from the clinically proven fact that it helps boost the body's natural production of testosterone, a overabundance of Horny Goat Weed has an effect rather similar to that of Viagra.

I kid you not. Sildenafil, which is the active ingredient in Viagra, works by blocking the degrading action of phosphodiesterase type 5 on cyclic GMP in your body... Basically, it stops you loosing your erection once you have it. Horny Goat Weed, if consumed in a large enough quantity (about fifteen times the recommended dose) would have the same effect and help sustain an erection.

This is how the substance got it's name. The male goats, grazing on the 'goat week' used to get massive erections and plunder the female goats after a stomach full of this humble weed.

Now I don't need Viagra quite yet, but I am interested in the claims that Horny Goat Weed can increase the body's natural production of testosterone, since that would help my body build muscle and burn calorie, all in the aim of slimming down to my 'fighting weight'.

And last, but not least, there's good old fashioned caffeine.

It's not very healthy, but one of the oldest and most trusted methods of effortless weight-loss involves consuming something that gets the ol' ticker pounding. Cocaine and amphetamines were actually prescribed by doctors back in the fifties - Rat Pack member Peter Lawford once lost a whopping amount of weight on amphetamines when he needed to slim down to film 'Seargent's Three.'

Now I'm not a big advocate of cocaine, amphetamines or anything else illegal - but I do know that a couple of caffeine pills can put a 'zing' in my step and have helped me lose weight in the past. So a couple of 200mg pills every morning, with my other supplements, will hopefully get my body up to top-gear for the rest of the day. I don't recommend any more than that (and it's only the equivalent of two cups of coffee) but when you're pushing thirty, you need all the help you can get.

So that's my weight-loss regimen. None of it's dangerous - although it might all be totally ineffective. One thing's for sure, though. Since I could pick all this up and still have change from $20 - I'm a lot happier than with those $60 'weight loss' formulas you see in shops that offer no more potential for weight loss than I've written about here.

Death to the Mountain Dew

Every lunch time, I enjoy a can of delicious Mountain Dew with my sandwich.

That's 175 calories right there, gobbled down.

Operation Sexy Rule 001 is - Ban the Mountain Dew! And the full-fat Coke, the lemonade, the Sprite, the Red Bull. All of that high calorie mouthwash. It's the DEVIL'S FIZZ!

If I'm going to reap the rewards of drinking high sugar, high calorie crap (i.e. another few inches on my waistline) I'm going to make damn sure that drink comes as God intended it...

Brimming with alcohol.

Wine, beer and gin & tonics.... They are delicious and heavenly. They hoik me up and boost my charm and confidence. As Dean Martin once said: "I pity the man who doesn't drink. When he wakes up in the morning, that's the best he's going to feel all day..."

If you're having trouble keeping up with my rambling, I have just dictated that fizzy drinks, soda and pop are right out in the world of Operation Sexy 2008. Unless they're full of whiskey, gin or fermented hops and barley.

Because soda is insidious. You can drink it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That's three times as many opportunities to guzzledown the calories than with alcohol...

Alcohol, tradition dictates, should only ever be consumed after 12pm or 6pm - in company and whilst wearing trousers.

Operation Sexy 2008 has spoken...

Operation Sexy 2008 IS GO!

Happy New Year!

As the new year arrives, it's time to put Operation Sexy 2008 into effect.

The goal from now on is a detirmined, focused effort to get sexy in 2008. I have 365 days starting... NOW!

I've dicussed some of the issues that I'm aiming to resolve in Operation Sexy. Most pressing of these has to be weight and fitness - and that's something I've got to sort out now. The fact that I'm writing this with a cheeseburger in my tummy and an ice-cold Fosters beside me probably doesn't bode well...

But as I've said before - diet doesn't work.

DIETS DON'T WORK.

Because diets force you to act differently to how you would normally act and that takes an enormous amount of willpower and self control. And if we all had that willpower and self control, we wouldn't be overweight anyway.

No, it's a much simplar proposition. I have to look at my life and work out why I consume more calories than I expend - and figure out what I can do to correct that.

I get up in the morning and I rarely have breakfast. Lunch tends to be a chicken sandwich and can of Mountain Dew. Supper, when I get home from work, is where I cram the calories in because I tend to have one-two... maybe three or four beers or glasses of wine with it. Plus grazing on chocolate chips, squares of cheese. Whatever's going, really.

I need to FOCUS my attention during the evenings so I have something else to concentrate on other than eating food and sitting like a lump in front of the TV.

Now I'm considering the gym. I seriously am. But gyms always seem boring and running on a treadmill gives me images of a hamster in a ball. So that's not where I see my success.

In fact, I think I'll achieve my target through taking a COURSE in karate or tai kwon do or something. The martial arts aspect will give me exercise and give me the chance to learn self defence and disculipne, which will in itself help boost my confidence (one of the other aspects I feel needs work.)

Plus, it'll get me out of the house for a few hours and get me sweating instead of shovelling nuts and cheese into my mouth (washed down with beer.)

So watch this space to see how Operation 2008 kicks off in earnest!

Breakfast at Tiffanys

Hey. Why don't I just open up my skull and show you my psychosis?

Unfortunately I can't (not without killing myself) but what I can do is give you this video, which features scenes from the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys.

Out of all the movies ever made, this is the one that probably means the most to me. I saw it for the first time when I was in love for the first time, with the girl who first broke my heart (but in doing so, made it whole again.)

It's the story of a failed writer, who comes to New York to seek his fortune. And what does he find? The most amazing, troubled, crazy girl by the name of Holly Golightly.

George Peppard's character has an enormous amount of me in it. Not just his charm and his career as a writer - but also the way he changed from being a tool of other people into being a man in charge of his own destiny.

And Holly?

Well, the girl I fell in love with while watching this movie turned out not to be her at all. She was far too together. Too organised. Too inflexible.

It took a move to New York itself before I'd meet the real Holly Golightly, who was everything she was in the movie, only more so. I lost my heart to her and in doing so, this movie became more than just a movie and actually became a mirror of a chapter of my life.

Now I live in New York. I'm living Breakfast at Tiffanys as it would be five years after in finished. And while that leaves me pale and pudgy (I'd been misspelling it podgy) it at least lives me living what was once my most treasured dream.

What makes me sure I'll succeed at 'Operation Sexy 2008' is the knowledge that dreams do come true - if only you believe in them enough.

And the girl I'd once mistaken for Holly?

I'm ashamed to say I think of her each and every day. Not with regret. With gratitude. Because it was her very un-Holly-like qualities that drove me to move to America and grasp the dream for myself.

I wonder what she thinks when she watches Breakfast at Tiffanys? Knowing that the streets and the brownstones and the yellow cabs are now part of my world?

I'm ashamed to admit, I hope she feels jealous.