Pubic Topiary

Let's leave the subject of weight loss for a second and discuss the big picture - other facets that make somebody 'sexy.'

For men, that definition is changing. Thirty years ago, the definition of sexy was big, hairy men with moustaches, like Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck. These days, men are becoming as bad as women about waxing, shaving and tweezing.

See somebody shed their shirt in a Hollywood flick and the average male moviestar will be as smooth chested as his female co-star. Watch a pornographic movie (I will confess to having done this) and the average stud keeps his tackle waxed, shaved and essentially hairless.

So what's a guy to do?

Well, it's purely academic at the moment. I asked my wifey (despite her probably not being the 'typical woman, since she married me) and she toed the party line, admitting she prefers shaven-chested men. She threw in an exception for men of my portly proportions - 'it looks better if you're hairy when you don't have any muscles.'

So right now, I am keeping my body hair to it's ginger gorilla norm. However, I will have to look into the subject of body hair when I'm closer to having a body I'd be brave enough to expose.

In the mean time, however, there's a topic to consider that doesn't involve a razor, but does perhaps require a pair of scissors.

Now for all my failings (being ginger, pale and chubby) I have at least been blessed with a pretty decent set of masculine equipment. I'm not Long Dong John Holmes by any means - but I'm certainly not ashamed by the contents of my boxer shorts.

However, exposure to reality TV, celebrity sex videos and modern pornography has revealed that my current crotch 'look' is out. The tangled nest of pubes hasn't been 'in' since the mid seventies and even then, I don't think orange was a popular colour for it.

So as 'ongoing maintenance' in Operation Sexy, I have taken to some pubic topiary.

No, don't worry. I'm not turning my ginger hedge into a coiffured animal. But I am trimming it to manageable proportions. A short-back-and-sides, if you will. Trimming my curls from an outrageous two inch bush into a neat, body-hugging quarter-inch crop.

And the amazing thing? Not only does it look neater and more attractive (and hopefully infinitely more edible to my wife) my manhood also looks considerably bigger (and I wasn't too ashamed of it to begin with.)

In addition, the downstairs haircut manages to actually make me look slimmer, by matching the length of the rest of the golden hairs on my flabby body.

So today's Operation Sexy lesson involves getting a pair of scissors and a steady hand (VERY important detail) and keeping your privates and preened as the rest of you.

What's my ideal weight?

Vanity dictates that I need to lose weight - but for health reasons, it would also be a good idea. According to this body mass indicator, my BMI is 26.2 making me 'slightly overweight.'

This means I need to lose about 18 or 19lbs.

It's worth visiting this to see what you healthy weight range is - and to see whether your weight loss goal is for reasons more legitimate than just good-old-fashioned vanity.

Operation Sexy Update!

Wow,, again it's been five days since I last posted anything. I'm sorry.

Well, I weighed myself last night (I always seem to weigh more at night, so I'm using that as my measure) and I'm pretty sure I'm at around 188lb. So I might have lost a pound! Wooohoooo!

Seriously, though, I was disheartened that my caffeine pill diet was ultimately a total waste of time. But Operation Sexy is not dead! I just need to think of another way to slim down.

So I have decided to do the inexplicable and actually try eating less - and more sensibly.

So wifey and went shopping and managed to stock up on Weight Watchers and cereal. One thing I've definitely noticed is that I tend to skip breakfast and that probably explains why I get cranky and irritable. So for breaky, I'm going to have a bowl of Cookie Crisp (I know, I know, but it's pretty good for you and it's the only 'edible' cereal at the supermarket we go to) and a glass or two of orange juice.

With that lining my stomach, I'm going to try and keep my input of calories down by eating Weight Watchers microwave meals. They're cheap from our local BJ's cash&carry.

Considering a chicken sandwich in a kaiser roll with a couple of slices of cheese and a can of Mountain Dew got my lunch-time calories up to a whopping 600 or 700, keeping them about 300 or less - thanks to Weight Watchers - is probably a good way to keep my intake limited.

And I have broken my soda rule! Even through it tastes like crap, I find a diet Pepsi or Coke (with no calories) is a fairly good way of filling my tum-tum without ingesting any calories.

So we'll give this change of lifestyle a week and see if I have any positive or negative effects on it.

Pills Ahoy

That's it. I've quit the caffeine-pill diet.

After feeling nauseous all week and having terrible trouble sleeping, my two morning caffeine-pills eventually helped me to lose - no pounds.

Hopping on the scales this morning, one week after starting the diet, I was astonished to see that I was firmly at the 189lb mark. That was even more disappointing given that I'd started exercising (well, started taking walks) and watched what I ate all week long.

So objectively, I can state that caffeine pills to lose weight DON'T work. It's as simple as that.

Oh dear!

Been far too long since my last post.

Well, I'm still on the Caffeine Pill diet and so far - I haven't lost any weight. Not even a pound.

Things looked pretty promising on the first couple of days, when I seemed to have a couple of pounds drop right off like butter. But this weekend - and I was a bit naughty diet-wise, I'll admit - they came crashing back on.

Now Wifey tells me that four days is not a fair approximation of how a diet is going, so I will withhold official judgement until Wednesday, when I'll weigh myself and see if my first week of dieting has had any success or not.

But in terms of 'diet' the caffeine pill routine isn't all that pleasent. I've had nausea pretty much throughout my routine, especially in the mornings. I've also found sleeping a lot more difficult (surviving on about four or five hours a night at the moment) and I get headaches and, strangely enough, tooth-ache. Not like a specfic toothache. More like my teeth are too big for my mouth or something.

So I'm pretty miserable - and since I have definitely been eating a bit less, we'll have to see on Wednesday whether this 'get thin quick' scheme is really worth it.

The Perfect Shave

So the big project has to be weight loss, but 'Sexy' is an all encompassing thing that involves more than just how much one weighs.

I mean, Pavarotti was a hit with the ladies and he weighed as much as a bus.

One thing that certainly fits into my suave, sexy persona is a clean-shaven appearance. Shaving is one of the most personal rituals a man can have and it's worth doing it right. Fortunately, if there's one thing I know a little about, it's getting a close shave, so for the sack of posterity, here is my guide to The Perfect Shave.

Rule One of getting The Perfect Shave is to have the right equipment. This is where quality always shines through and when it comes to the crunch, you can't beat the equipment the professionals use.

If you're old-fashioned enough to get a shave at a barbers, you'll find they've abandoned the old cut-throat razor (that's only used by Mexican hitmen these days) and most will have adopted a modern safety razor.

Almost universally, the knowledgeable barber will use the Gillette Fusion - a five-bladed safety razor available in standard or 'power' versions.

Wow. It was only a few years ago when safety razors only had one blade!

The Gillette Fusion gives quite simply the closest shave available today. It even comes with a sixth blade - a precision trimmer - to tackle the stray hairs the wide, five-blade head can't reach.

Your Gillette Fusion should be kept clean and dry and you should never use a blade for more than seven shaves. Change blades every Monday to ensure you're getting the best shave possible.

Almost as important as your razor is your shaving soap. There are all sorts of options available, like spray cans containing gel or cream. You can also use 'shaving oil' which promises to give a close shave without any of the mess of a cream or gel.

However, the closest shave is achieved by using soap and a badger-haired brush. It might look ridiculously old fashioned, but a shaving brush and soap (if properly used) is the best way to achieve shaving perfection.

The best shaving brushes are made with a high percentage of badger hair - see, I knew badgers were useful for something. The English Shaving Company gives a good range of options. I recommend their Edwin Jagger Large Best Badger Shaving Brush, which is cheap at just £33.50.

As far as shaving soap goes, quality is equally important. L'Occitane en Provence do a wonderful shaving soap and dish for £26.00 which produces a creamy lather and leaves your skin feeling deliciously soft and nourished.

Now, the best equipment in the world would be useless unless it's used properly, so in order to achieve a perfect shave, the following rules must be religiously adhered to.

Every morning, you must first soak your skin in hot water. Boiling hot water - as hot as you can stand it. Soak a flannel or wash cloth in boiling water and hold it against your jaw/chin for the count of thirty seconds. Obviously don't scald yourself, but also be willing to put up with a bit of discomfort. The hotter and wetter your skin, the softer and easier your morning bristles will be trimmed.

Once your skin is warm, wet and ready, dip your shaving brush in the same boiling water and lather up the soap. It should produce a rich, creamy lather which you can brush onto your face, all over your jaw, throat and chin. The rich lather should be hot.

Once you've given yourself a creamy 'Father Christmas' beard, take your razor and run it under a cold tap - you heard me, COLD. The cold water will constrict the blade and give you the sharpest cut possible.

Now shave - run the blade against your skin in the same direction as your beard. You can gauge this with your fingers, or by feeling the resistance against your blade. Shaving the the same direction as your bristles (known as the hair nap) will help prevent ingrown hairs, razor bumps and soreness.

I prefer to start from the 'outside' and work my way in (shaving the edge of my jaw towards the centre) but you can do whatever makes you feel more comfortable. Just ensure you cover all of your chin, throat and jawline - since the spot you miss probably gets missed each and every morning and before you know it, you've got a little tufty beard growing.

Once you've shaven your entire face, rinse your wash cloth in hot water and use it to wash off the stray shaving soap. Your skin should feel smooth and soft. Constrict the pores by rinsing a second time with cold water.

Now that you've managed to shave, aftercare is just as important as any other step in the ritual. Shaving strips the skin of it's natural oils, so unless you care for your shaven jaw properly, the skin will get dry and flaky very rapidly.

I recommend using Cocoa Butter - Palmers produce a modestly priced variety that is quite simply the finest thing to use on your skin. There's a slight 'chocolately' smell to it, but the cocoa butter nourishes and restores your skin better than anything else on the market.

Besides, if you're going to small of anything, chocolate must be one of best. Most women go crazy for chocolate (perhaps all those cologne manufacturers should take note.)

Sticking religiously to these rules ensures that you get the closest shave possible - and your skin gets all the pampering it needs. Skimp on any of the above - and try to shave with cold water, an old blade or cheap soap - and you'll find snags, cuts and razor bumps are your only reward.

That being said, even following all of the rules I've laid out won't promise a bump-free shave.

I've got rather frizzy, curly hair - pretty much a ginger afro, if we're being honest. People with hair like mine - especially people of African descent - often find themselves plagued by razor bumps and skin irritation as a result of shaving - even if they abide by all the rules of a 'close shave.'

So my final recommended product is a wonderful little topical treatment called Bump Stopper - and it does exactly what it says on the bottle. A little dab of this before bed softens the bristles of your beard and helps eliminate the bumps and rashes shaving causes.

Follow all of the suggestions above and even if the rest of you isn't, at least your shave will be sexy.

Masturbation Nation

Since this is an entirely anonymous blog, I can share with you another one of my projects to help me achieve 'Sexy' in 2008.

I'm giving up masturbating.

Now you might ask why a happily married chap like me needs to masturbate anyway?

Well, the truth is that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and given that my wife is currently pregnant and in the midst of horrible morning sickness, the last thing she feels like doing is getting kinky with her horny hubby.

So I will admit, I occasionally 'take care' of business myself.

Except it's not really 'occasionally.'

I'm actually surprisingly horny. A lot. So 'occasionally' generally means once in the morning and once in the evening. Which is a lot, really. I mean, it was three times yesterday.

Now, there's long been a theory that masturbation is the number one reason for men's 'lack of sexy.' How does that make sense? Well, let me explain...

The prevelence on online porn means that man doesn't need to make any effort to get his kicks in this day and age. Instead of a single guy going out to a bar to get his sexual thrills, all he needs to do is switch on his computer and wham! Up spring a million sites offering every sexual thrill on a smorgusboard of porn.

Blonds. Brunettes. Fat girls. Thin girls. Midgets. White girls with black guys. Black girls with white guys. Chicks with 'dicks' and gangbangs, creampies, bukkake and the works.

Whatever sexual perversion you could possibly imagine, it's offered to you on the internet.

Which kind of takes the 'thrill' of it away.

Men are meant to be like predators - except with the easy availability of every shade of pornography, we've ended up like caged tigers. Why go out and hunt wildebeast when you can have freshly slaughtered venison served up hot and steaming without having to leave the comfort of your bed?

It turns a tiger into a kitty cat, sure as any collar could.

You see, I think one of the most important aspects of being perceived as 'sexy' is that slightly predatory instinct. It's not something a man should ever act on inappropriately - for example, I'm married and have no desire to go out 'hunting' any woman apart from my wife...

But just as when you go to the zoo, you expect to see a fierce looking tiger, a red-blooded, heterosexual man should still have a bit of hunger left inside him. Not so that he'll ever 'use it,' but it should still be there.

I mean, surely one of the most fundemental aspects of 'being sexy' is meeting a member of the opposite sex and making it clear that - even if it will never happen - hypothetically the two of you could tear each other's clothes off and go at it like a couple of horny animals.

A man who is without desire is effectively neutured... And that's pretty much what internet porn has done to a generation of men.

If your sexual desires are always sated, where's the 'need?' The 'lust?' The burning horniness that identifies you as a man?

I mean, it's got to the stage (I'm ashamed to admit) where it's less trouble to flick on an internet porno of some pretty blond girl getting debased by a tribe of African plainsman than it is to go next door and nuzzle with my receptive wife.

And that's got to stop.

So it's out with the porn. From now on, I'm going to send myself back to the sexual dark ages, where a man had to go out and hunt, catch and devour his own sexual prey.

In this instance, my 'prey' is my wife. But seducing a real, live woman is still more likely to make me 'sexy' than gorging like a fat-cat on the tinned flesh available online.

Buzzed...

Day one of my caffeine diet and I have to admit, I'm a bit more buzzed than I expected. I came into work with my hands trembling and my stomach gurgling...

It's a bit unfortunate that I start my metabolism-hike on the same day I try and shed half my ingested calories...

So I'm not quite sure how safe or wise my caffeine-pill diet is, but I'll tell you one thing... I can certainly FEEL it working!

What's the score?

Since it's Day 1, I'd better get the cards on the table.

I weight myself this morning at 189lbs.

I feel TOTALLY unsexy.

Here's hoping Operation Sexy 2008 kicks off fast and keeps running!

Show me the supplements!

I'll be honest with you.

I am not very good at willpower or denial or any of that rubbish. In my effort to lose 20lbs as rapidly as possible, I want there to be as little EFFORT involved as possible.

This is one of the reasons why I think some kind of 'lifestyle change' is important - like going to karate practice every Tuesday night instead of sitting at home watching TV and shovelling popcorn into my mouth.

But in addition to actually 'doing something about it' I would like to get closer to my 'sexy ideal' without actually having to do ANYTHING ABOUT IT ALL.

And thank God we're in America, where you can do that (if you have enough money.)

So first off, in my 2008 'Operation Sexy' regime is to start taking pills. Supplements to help me lose weight and 'get sexy.'

This is America, guys. The answer to all your medical issues lies in a packet of pills.

In actual fact, let's not get so cynical. I have gone to the Pharmacist with twenty dollars and picked up what look like credible (although possibly negligible) supplements to help me 'get sexy' in 2008.

The first is St. John's Wort.

Hypericum perforatum, which is Latin name for this European flower, is prescribed as a natural remedy for depression. The Cochrane Review suggested that this simple herb, available from most drug stores, can actually be as effective in treating depression as some prescription-only medications.

That's not why I'm taking it, however. One of the other side-effects of taking St John's Wort is the curbing of certain addictive tendencies - in my case, that would be food and alcohol consumption. One of the active ingredients in St John's Wort, hyperforin, is clinically proven to reduce alcohol intake.

Now this is great - not because I'm an alcoholic, but because I do enjoy a good drink now and again and that's where a large proportion of my daily calories come from.

So hopefully a daily regimen of St John's Wort will help me desire beer and wine less (which will help me slim down even more!)

Second on my list is Zinc.

Zinc is a pretty modest little element, but it's necessary for sustaining all life on earth. It's been clinically proven that an increase in Zinc consumption can help steer off the symptoms of flu and help strength your immune system. Also, it sounds cool.

Third, I have the randy sounding Horny Goat Weed.

Actually called Epimedium grandiflorum, Horny Goat weed has a reputation as 'nature's aphrodisiac.' And with good reason. Aside from the clinically proven fact that it helps boost the body's natural production of testosterone, a overabundance of Horny Goat Weed has an effect rather similar to that of Viagra.

I kid you not. Sildenafil, which is the active ingredient in Viagra, works by blocking the degrading action of phosphodiesterase type 5 on cyclic GMP in your body... Basically, it stops you loosing your erection once you have it. Horny Goat Weed, if consumed in a large enough quantity (about fifteen times the recommended dose) would have the same effect and help sustain an erection.

This is how the substance got it's name. The male goats, grazing on the 'goat week' used to get massive erections and plunder the female goats after a stomach full of this humble weed.

Now I don't need Viagra quite yet, but I am interested in the claims that Horny Goat Weed can increase the body's natural production of testosterone, since that would help my body build muscle and burn calorie, all in the aim of slimming down to my 'fighting weight'.

And last, but not least, there's good old fashioned caffeine.

It's not very healthy, but one of the oldest and most trusted methods of effortless weight-loss involves consuming something that gets the ol' ticker pounding. Cocaine and amphetamines were actually prescribed by doctors back in the fifties - Rat Pack member Peter Lawford once lost a whopping amount of weight on amphetamines when he needed to slim down to film 'Seargent's Three.'

Now I'm not a big advocate of cocaine, amphetamines or anything else illegal - but I do know that a couple of caffeine pills can put a 'zing' in my step and have helped me lose weight in the past. So a couple of 200mg pills every morning, with my other supplements, will hopefully get my body up to top-gear for the rest of the day. I don't recommend any more than that (and it's only the equivalent of two cups of coffee) but when you're pushing thirty, you need all the help you can get.

So that's my weight-loss regimen. None of it's dangerous - although it might all be totally ineffective. One thing's for sure, though. Since I could pick all this up and still have change from $20 - I'm a lot happier than with those $60 'weight loss' formulas you see in shops that offer no more potential for weight loss than I've written about here.

Death to the Mountain Dew

Every lunch time, I enjoy a can of delicious Mountain Dew with my sandwich.

That's 175 calories right there, gobbled down.

Operation Sexy Rule 001 is - Ban the Mountain Dew! And the full-fat Coke, the lemonade, the Sprite, the Red Bull. All of that high calorie mouthwash. It's the DEVIL'S FIZZ!

If I'm going to reap the rewards of drinking high sugar, high calorie crap (i.e. another few inches on my waistline) I'm going to make damn sure that drink comes as God intended it...

Brimming with alcohol.

Wine, beer and gin & tonics.... They are delicious and heavenly. They hoik me up and boost my charm and confidence. As Dean Martin once said: "I pity the man who doesn't drink. When he wakes up in the morning, that's the best he's going to feel all day..."

If you're having trouble keeping up with my rambling, I have just dictated that fizzy drinks, soda and pop are right out in the world of Operation Sexy 2008. Unless they're full of whiskey, gin or fermented hops and barley.

Because soda is insidious. You can drink it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That's three times as many opportunities to guzzledown the calories than with alcohol...

Alcohol, tradition dictates, should only ever be consumed after 12pm or 6pm - in company and whilst wearing trousers.

Operation Sexy 2008 has spoken...

Operation Sexy 2008 IS GO!

Happy New Year!

As the new year arrives, it's time to put Operation Sexy 2008 into effect.

The goal from now on is a detirmined, focused effort to get sexy in 2008. I have 365 days starting... NOW!

I've dicussed some of the issues that I'm aiming to resolve in Operation Sexy. Most pressing of these has to be weight and fitness - and that's something I've got to sort out now. The fact that I'm writing this with a cheeseburger in my tummy and an ice-cold Fosters beside me probably doesn't bode well...

But as I've said before - diet doesn't work.

DIETS DON'T WORK.

Because diets force you to act differently to how you would normally act and that takes an enormous amount of willpower and self control. And if we all had that willpower and self control, we wouldn't be overweight anyway.

No, it's a much simplar proposition. I have to look at my life and work out why I consume more calories than I expend - and figure out what I can do to correct that.

I get up in the morning and I rarely have breakfast. Lunch tends to be a chicken sandwich and can of Mountain Dew. Supper, when I get home from work, is where I cram the calories in because I tend to have one-two... maybe three or four beers or glasses of wine with it. Plus grazing on chocolate chips, squares of cheese. Whatever's going, really.

I need to FOCUS my attention during the evenings so I have something else to concentrate on other than eating food and sitting like a lump in front of the TV.

Now I'm considering the gym. I seriously am. But gyms always seem boring and running on a treadmill gives me images of a hamster in a ball. So that's not where I see my success.

In fact, I think I'll achieve my target through taking a COURSE in karate or tai kwon do or something. The martial arts aspect will give me exercise and give me the chance to learn self defence and disculipne, which will in itself help boost my confidence (one of the other aspects I feel needs work.)

Plus, it'll get me out of the house for a few hours and get me sweating instead of shovelling nuts and cheese into my mouth (washed down with beer.)

So watch this space to see how Operation 2008 kicks off in earnest!