Saturday, December 29, 2007

Breakfast at Tiffanys

Hey. Why don't I just open up my skull and show you my psychosis?

Unfortunately I can't (not without killing myself) but what I can do is give you this video, which features scenes from the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys.

Out of all the movies ever made, this is the one that probably means the most to me. I saw it for the first time when I was in love for the first time, with the girl who first broke my heart (but in doing so, made it whole again.)

It's the story of a failed writer, who comes to New York to seek his fortune. And what does he find? The most amazing, troubled, crazy girl by the name of Holly Golightly.

George Peppard's character has an enormous amount of me in it. Not just his charm and his career as a writer - but also the way he changed from being a tool of other people into being a man in charge of his own destiny.

And Holly?

Well, the girl I fell in love with while watching this movie turned out not to be her at all. She was far too together. Too organised. Too inflexible.

It took a move to New York itself before I'd meet the real Holly Golightly, who was everything she was in the movie, only more so. I lost my heart to her and in doing so, this movie became more than just a movie and actually became a mirror of a chapter of my life.

Now I live in New York. I'm living Breakfast at Tiffanys as it would be five years after in finished. And while that leaves me pale and pudgy (I'd been misspelling it podgy) it at least lives me living what was once my most treasured dream.

What makes me sure I'll succeed at 'Operation Sexy 2008' is the knowledge that dreams do come true - if only you believe in them enough.

And the girl I'd once mistaken for Holly?

I'm ashamed to say I think of her each and every day. Not with regret. With gratitude. Because it was her very un-Holly-like qualities that drove me to move to America and grasp the dream for myself.

I wonder what she thinks when she watches Breakfast at Tiffanys? Knowing that the streets and the brownstones and the yellow cabs are now part of my world?

I'm ashamed to admit, I hope she feels jealous.

Beautiful Nails and Dry Martinis

Well, I'm not going to lose weight overnight - but Operation Sexy isn't about just losing weight. It's about 'getting sexy' which involves a transformation of everything about me.

And when it comes to 'sexy' somebody told me that it's all in the details.

Actually, it was a woman who told me - and she'd been drinking martinis, so she'd reached that stage of intoxication which encourages candour.

"It's all in the details," she said, and went on to criticise my shoes. They were 'brothel creeper' slip-ons (for reasons I won't explain, I call them 'Bill Shoes') and they weren't right for my suit. Or my belt. Or my wallet. Or my glasses.

From this, I determined that a three-martini limit should be put into effect and also that the big picture shouldn't stop sweating the small stuff.

So in the beginning stages of Operation sexy 2008, I looked very seriously at my 'details.'

One such 'detail' is my nails.

Now I'm a guy. Despite the nice clothes and the posh accent and the reluctance to get enthusiastic about major league sports events, I'm still your average guy at the end of the day and fingernails, to me, are about opening beer cans and clawing people's eyes out. Other than that, they're just chitinous icing on your hand-cake.

But nails say a lot about you (apparently.)

So as part of Operation Sexy, I'm going to start 'looking after' my nails.

Now this doesn't involve going for a manicure. Unfortunately, men going to get a manicure (except 'ironically') is generally seen as the first step in surrendering your heterosexuality.

So I've gone another route.

And this route involved a girl. Routes often do. This is why a common Australian term for sexual intercourse is 'root' which sounds a bit like 'route' so it probably supports my argument.

I was in the mall and this stunningly beautiful girl tried to grab my attention.

Now I'm quite aware that stunningly beautiful girls don't try to grab my attention for anything other than financial benefit. I'm pale and chubby and my hair looks like I've just stuck my fingers in a 110v socket.

But because of her slim figure, long black hair, chocolate brown eyes and olive complexion I wavered for a second and that was all that she needed to grab my hand and start 'massaging it' or something.

Actually, she was doing something to my nails. She polished them, coated them in oil and then gave me a quick hand massage that had me melting into the floor tiles. And my nails looked amazing.

She was flogging 'Etré' nail care sets, which included a 'buffing' strip, which gave fingernails an effortless gleam, a nail file, cuticle oil to treat the straggy bits of skin I always seem to get around my fingernails and the 'milk and honey' hand lotion which she'd used to knead my hand into floppy ecstasy.

After she'd worked her talented magic, my hands were so beautiful I should start doing commercials with them. So I bought the set - for my wife, of course.

But in practicing to use the set (giving my wife and mother in law nail treatments won me brownie points good into the next decade) I perfected a 'self treatment' on my nails and...

Well, what can I say?

If you ignored the podgy, pale body, the wimpy self esteem and the lack of zeros in my bank balance, I've got pretty sexy nails. Like, awesomely sexy nails.

And if my nails are sexy - sure sexy will soon follow along to the rest of me.

Etré nail kits are available from most malls (with a hand massage by a gorgeous girl thrown in for free) or you can get them online here.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Who's sexy, anyway?

Part of trying to become 'sexy' in 2008 is establishing just what 'sexy' is. I've already listed some of the attributes that women think make men sexy. How about getting some role models for myself, now?

By the fact that I'm trying to model my ideal weight after fictional crime-fighter The Saint, it's a fair guess that my rugged role models are 'old school.' The well dressed, well mannered men who were as charming as they were handsome.

If Operation Sexy is to be a success, I'll need to emulate these gentlemen:



The original Saint. Roger Moore is a true inspiration of mine. Suave, cool, charming and gentlemanly, he rocked the screen as both James Bond and Simon Templar. Oh, sure, Sean Connery was the 'Bond' we all love - but that's because Roger Moore never plays anybody other than himself.

This shot, taken in about 1970, pretty much sums up what sexy is to me. Sharp suit, square jaw, reckless smile and not a hair out of place. And the best thing?

Not sounded too ridiculous, but I think I can pull this off. Roger and I share the same cereal-box features.

But it's his kindness, charm and effortless confidence that's really inspirational. Watch Roger in Live and Let Die and you'll see an English gentleman at his finest - unfazed by anything.


The 'Chairman of the Board,' Frank Sinatra, must rate as one of the most talented and stylish entertainers of the 20th century.

He was always immaculately dressed and filled with charm and confidence. Women flocked to him and men admired him for his enormous talent and oodles of attitude.

It's a fair comment that he could be a bit of a bastard - but there's that streak of confidence and excitement about him that is the very dictionary definition of what women found sexy. Plus, the man was a cultural icon in the way he dressed, sang and spoke.

Life's always sexier with a soundtrack by Sinatra.


Cary Grant was the original action hero - when you wore a two piece suit rather than a sweaty vest. Charming, handsome, debonair and dangerous, he was magnificent in North by Northwest, Charade and To Catch a Thief.

It's his effortless charm and confidence that make him such a 'sexy' gent. Apparently, women weren't his passion. More's the pity - since he's everything they claim is sexy in a man.


This is actor Toby Stevens. In Die Another Day, he faced off against James Bond and rocked the screen as the cruel, arrogant Gustaf Graves.

Those stylish clothes and that cocky sneer gave him awesome onscreen presence. He had an air of danger about him that women must have adored. I'd take Gustaf Graves over James Bond any day of the week.



And last, but not least, it's the star of The Avengers, John Steed - played by Patrick MacNee. always immaculately dressed, perfectly poised and confidently charming, MacNee was the epitome of the English gentleman - and deadly to boot.

It was his smile - he was always smiling - that makes me think John Steed's just a fantastic role model for Operation Sexy. Women claim that 'sexy' requires confidence and a sense of humour. Those are attributes John Steed had in abundance.

In Conclusion

Maybe the suits and ties are a bit much, but these are the men I'm trying to emulate. I'm not trying to be hip, or fashionable. I'm trying to be 'sexy' and these men seem to represent everything that women claim they find attractive in a man.

But what exactly do they all have in common?

Confidence - From the way they walk into a room, to the firm handshake and unwavering gaze. These are men who are utterly sure of themselves and not afraid to show it. Not cocky. Not arrogant. Just quietly confident.

Sense of Humour - These gentlemen smile at the drop of a hat. Witticisms, jokes and charming one-liners litter their refined speech. They know a smile and a laugh can be the most disarming weapon of all.

Intelligence - From James Bond's knowledge of fine wine, to Frank Sinatra's flawless voice, these men highlight how sexy a bit of knowledge can be.

Status - They might not have flashy 'bling,' but the way these men dress and act suggests that they move confidently in upmarket circles. They value the finer things and that is revealed in every aspect of how they live their lives.

Style - need I say anything at all? Just look at them. Style oozes from everything they wear. These men are effortlessly stylish - which probably takes an awful lot of effort to become.

Exciting - So we have a super-spy, a jewel thief/rogue, a Mafia-connected superstar and a super villain - notice how many 'supers' we're getting here. In any event, these men are dynamic and dangerous - and that's what gets the ladies moist, to put it bluntly.

Lifestyle

There's a reason why most people's diets fail - because people rely on willpower alone to sustain them. And those people who truly have willpower aren't fat anyway.

I can only foresee failure if my pound-shedding plan consists of nothing more spectacular than 'eating less.' Because I get tired. I get lazy. I get hungry and that winds up with me getting fat.

No, it'll take more. It'll take a change in lifestyle. I need to kick it up a notch.

But in some ways, this is a good thing. Earlier in my blog, I identified the personality aspects women find attractive (which I shall use as my measuring stick for 'sexy.')

Not one of them involved men who sat around watching TV.

No, the buzz words were 'success' and 'excitement.' So I need to use my evenings to more productively - in some endeavour that will keep me out of the kitchen.

Exercise

One aspect I've considered is that of exercise.

I've already identified that I don't get enough of it. I'm fat, lazy and I flop about on the sofa far too much. I need to get active and I need to get moving.

I need to do some exercise.

But just as I've identified that a 'willpower only' diet would be futile, joining a gym would probably be a waste of time and money as well. I can't stand gyms - the endless queues for exercise equipment. The dreary smell - and the machines!

I can't think of anything more futile and soul destroying than sitting on a treadmill for forty minutes, running to nowhere. It'd be like being a hamster in a wheel.

Besides - exercise is good for you, but it's not a spectacular weight loss tool. It'll make you fitter, faster and stronger, but working on the equation that it takes 3,500 burnt calories to shed one pound of weight, you'd have to spend 14 hours walking on a treadmill to burn just one pound off!

No, if I'm going to do some exercise, it'll be something that stimulates more than just my sweat glands. Maybe a martial art or something. That in itself will be exciting - one of the 'sexy' characteristics I identified earlier - and it'll help me get fit and burn calories.

I need to find a physical activity that interests me. Only then will I be able to change my lifestyle and get up off the sofa.

Diets based around willpower alone NEVER work.

Losing Weight

Losing weight isn't easy - especially not when you're pushing 30.

Back when I was twenty, I ballooned up to 210lbs after getting ill and breaking up with a girlfriend at university. In three months, thanks to a diet of nothing but oven-baked fish and chips and a regimen of BB gun battles throughout the house - I shed the fat like Jennifer Lopez sheds husbands.

But not at the moment. Now I'm pushing 190lbs and the weight sticks on.

If I'm serious about losing 20lbs and getting down to my ideal weight, I need to think seriously about how I'm going to do it. The fact is - my lifestyle at the moment isn't right.

But before I think of any plans to improve it, why don't I examine my current lifestyle and see where the problem lies?

The Weight Gain Equation

Weight gain and loss is not nearly as complicated as it sounds. It's actually very simple. The food you eat is converted into energy (calories.) Your body burns a certain number of calories per day. If you burn fewer calories than you ingest, your body stores the leftovers as fat - that harks back to the caveman days when you might go hungry later, so your body needed fat reserves 'just in case.'

Conversely, if you burn more calories than you ingest, your body is required to tuck into that fat storage for energy - and you lose weight.

It's really as simple as that. All that stuff about GI diets and Atkins diets and all of that malarky is bollocks, really. At the end of the day, you just need to balance intake and expenditure.

So let's take a look at my life.

Simon Scarlet's Day

I live a pretty sedentary life at the moment.

I wake up at about 7am. I drive to work and sit at a desk all day, typing away. I get home at about 7:30pm, flop down on the sofa and watch TV or read a book. At 11pm, I schlep off to bed and sleep.

Basically, I get no exercise.

Using a Calorie Calculator from Steven's Creek Software, I'm able to calculate my daily calorie expenditure as about 2,969 calories per day. That's 2,047 burnt 'keeping the furnace going' and keeping me breathing and my heart beating. The other 921 is burnt during my active schedule of sitting on my arse typing or reading.

When I then calculate the amount of food I eat, I can see that my daily calorie consumption is about 3,232. So I'm clearly eating more than I'm burning - but not by much.

It's universally acknowledged that it takes 3,500 calories to make (or lose) one pound of fat. So At my current rate, eating about 250 calories every day that don't get burnt, I'm gaining a pound of fat every two weeks. By those calculations, I'll be almost two stone heavier by the time my 31st birthday wheels around.

Something needs to be done!

The New Diet

So it's fairly simple, what happens next.

In order to reverse my recent weight gain, I need to flip the balance of my calorie intake and eat less than I burn. If I can eat 500 calories less than I burn every day, I should end up losing a pound of fat per week. By that reckoning, I'll be trimmed down to 'Saintly' proportions by the time the summer swings around.

But it's not as easy as that, is it?

Because in addition to trimming 500 calories from my diet, I've got to balance out the 250 calories I'm scoffing OVER my daily food intake. So really, I'll be trimming 750 calories a day. Basically, a quarter of what I normally eat.

So what can I trim?

The evening beer? The little squares of cheese I snack on?

It'll be tough. Not least of which because there's not a lot else to do apart from eat when I slump home, exhausted, from work.

The Full Horror - What Operation Sexy has to work with...

It's not pretty, is it?

But this is me. Since this is a blissfully anonymous blog, I feel I can present myself in my full podgy state without fear of embarrassment.

Here I am. Six feet tall at 190lbs (very little of it being muscle.)

You will spot the 'man boobs' and tummy, plus some bulging haunches. I look more like a pig than a man.

However, all is not lost. Exercise and diet are the key to trimming down and turning my piggy exterior into something much more appetising.

What have we got to work with?

Men are bloody lucky.

According to the Internet, at least, women are attracted to a million and one aspects of man rather than just their looks. Sure, women have 'phwoar' moments, just like men... But it's the personality aspects I mentioned earlier (status, sense of humour and intelligence) that drive a woman's sense of what's attractive or not - whereas with men it's all about boobs and bums and long, blond hair.

But that's not to say women don't find certain physical characteristics attractive (or not.)

Height, for example, seems to play a big role in things. Women joke about meeting a 'tall, handsome stranger' rather than a short one. Almost universally, women prefer taller men. That goes back to the caveman days, I guess. A taller man was probably stronger and more powerful (and able to reach things on high shelves.)

In a woman's search for the perfect father, a taller man was genetically preferable.

Other things that make a man physically attractive include musculature - women tend to like men with broad shoulders, a muscular chest and narrow hips. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger type muscles - but enough to suggest that this potential sperm-doner could produce offspring who can tackle the woolly mammoths with the best of them.

Isn't it ironic that even after all these years, the measure of a man is still decided by such basic reproductive urges?

The most basic equation, however, seems to be a 'v-shaped' body. Broad shoulders tapering to narrow hips. Just like men find women with an hourglass figure sexy, women like men built like triangles.

So in order to succeed in Operation Sexy, I need to maximise my physical attractiveness.

Now when it comes to the basic ingredients, I'm not doing too badly. I'm fairly tall - six feet even. I'm also lucky enough to have fairly broad shoulders.

But five years of marriage and sedentary lifestyle has made me fairly pudgy.

I'm topping the scale at 190lbs - according to my arbitrary calculations*, I should actually weigh 170lbs. So I'm 20lbs overweight.

Also, I'm disgustingly unfit. I can't run for a bus without my face turning red and getting out of breath.

So I need to shed 20lbs (that's more than a stone) and get some basic athleticism back as a matter of course. That'll make me feel better, look better and - if my calculations are correct - help significantly with my self esteem.

* - in the novel The Saint in New York, the physical description of Simon Templar, my hero and role model, puts him at 175lbs and six feet two. That suggests a weight ration of 2.36lbs per inch. Given that calculation, I should weigh in at almost exactly 170lbs.

Just what the hell is sexy, anyway?

According to sources, women consider five attributes to be sexy in a man.
  • Self Confidence
  • Sense of humor
  • Intelligence
  • Status
  • Style
  • Exciting
Now, in my project to 'get sexy' for 2008, I'm not on the lookout for another woman (I'm quite happy with the one I have, actually) but I am going to take on board what they say.

Which means 'getting sexy' is going to involve far more than just losing a few pounds.

Sexy Is as Sexy Does

The first step of my 'getting sexy' project, therefore, should be to identify the areas that need work and build on them. So let's look at the list:

Self Confidence

This is a weak spot of mine. I won't go into the reasons behind it, but I lack confidence and that 'oomph' which drives people forward. I used to have it - back when I was younger. I think a few years of marriage and a few extra pounds have kind of worn it away.

So I need to become more self confident - or at least give off the 'air' of being more self confident. How can I do that?

I've got a feeling it'll take guts and effort. One of the oldest principles in life is to act in the manner to which you want people to see you. Pretend to be self confident, for example, and people will see you as self confident.

So for 2008, I've got to pretend to be self confident and maybe, after a while, all that pretending won't be pretending at all.

Sense of Humour

I like to think I'm pretty sorted here. I've got a good sense of humour and a sharp, fast wit. I guess my lack of confidence back when I was growing up inspired me to act in a 'likeable' way and there's nothing more likeable than somebody who's funny.

Intelligence

This is a funny one.

I don't think I'm particually intelligent - certainly I didn't get much success academically. But I am sharp, quick and - most importantly of all - I tend to give off the impression of being intelligent. It's the spectacles and posh British accent.

But certain 'intelligent' traits of mine could be harnessed and improved upon. My interest in history, food, wine and languages. My passable French could we racked up a notch. I could continue to write. I can improve on my intelligence.

Status

This should be number one, really.

And I don't say that in a bitter way. It's human nature, really, for women to be attracted to a man who's succesful and powerful. Women want strong, dominent fathers for their babies and their attraction to rich, succesful men is no different from cave women wanting to mate with the alpha male in their tribes.

So while I'm in a fair position in life, I can see that a vital aspect of Operation Sexy will be to improve my financial and social standing. How I'm going to do this, I couldn't tell you - but power and wealth are the sexiest things of all.

After all, that's how people like Donald Trump get laid.

Style

Another interesting one - and I think I have this covered.

Or, at least, I thought I did.

I used to wear sharp suits, jackets and the whole nine yards. My nickname was GQ - as in the fashion magazine. But marriage has let my standards slip. Now I've got a beautiful wife, I feel I don't need to dress up for her any more and that's not quite fair to me or her.

So Operation Sexy 2008 needs to involve some pretty serious style upgrades. I've got to look like a million dollars every day. No sweat pants or dirty jeans for me. From now on, I'm going to roll out of the house looking like Cary Grant every morning.

Exciting

This is the one, isn't it? That magical element that makes somebody attractive and irresistable. That air of mystery. The whiff of danger.

It's why women love action heros and lust after James Bond. It's related in some way to the 'status' elements that attract women to an 'alpha' male - but there's more to it than that.

This final attractive element reveals a lust for life. A willingness to be impulsive, reckless and romantic. Everything else in this list is logical and straightforward.

But excitement? That lifts a man from merely 'attractive' to actually 'sexy.'

It's time to get my pulse racing in 2008.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

What is Operation Sexy?

It's come to my attention that I'll be 30 in just over a month.

And the sad thing? I'll feel it.

Sure, I'm a long way from where I started. But I've never felt older, fatter and less attractive than ever. I've always dreamed of being the suave, handsome, elegant and debonair one. Instantly and unforgettably attractive. Suave. Sophisticated. Confident and sexy. James Bond without needing a handgun to compensate for my inadequacies.

So for 2008 I have a plan. It's a year long plan (I'll leave 5 year plans to the Stalinists.)

I'm going to get thin, confident, sexy and suave. I'm going to see if it's possible to revamp myself and my life to be everything I hope I could be.

Operation Sexy is a 365 day project to transform my life and myself into something incredible.

And here's where you can find out how successful I am at it.